Twilight: The Black Emo Tears of a Robot
by Starrycup665
Summary: Random parody of Twilight. Not for Twi-fans. Rated T... just to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

This is the result of major boredom at a sleepover. Be warned: not for fans of Twilight. My friends and I were pretty high on candy while doing this, so please excuse the... randomness. Please don't be offended, it's not meant to be taken seriously.

**Warning**: This includes robots, emo-ness, and sleazy Italians. And, of course, Twilight bashing. If you are offended by any of these, please turn away now. This includes **MAJOR** use of the word "emo" and other variations of it. I think we _may_ have overdone it...

Uh, I was going to create another account and post this, but I couldn't be bothered… and so now I must prepare myself for hate comments.

The chapters are short, especially the prologue. Yay. Feel free to comment... but still remember that this is not a serious thing, and we don't mean to offend anyone. Have I said that enough? Here we go!

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**Twilight: The Black Emo Tears of a Robot**

Prologue  
I smell nice. This air freshener scent would change my life forever ...

Chapter One

Recently, my switch had got jammed. It was mother and her new boyfriend's fault - at least, I'm assuming it's a male. As you've probably noticed, my switch got stuck on whiny, as opposed to retarded and/or self obsessed.

Because my mother couldn't handle my whiny settings, she banished me to Forks with my toned, athletic, slim father. Or so I thought...

Chapter Two  
The ground shook and I cried some black emo tears, as a large inflatable beach ball rolled towards me. Hang on - were those arms? And legs? As I saw a head, I screamed. It was my father, Charlie. He was fat and not perfect. I hated him.

"Bella!" he wheezed squeakily, trying to grasp me in his stumpy arms. I brandished a carrot at him and a look of confusion wallowed in the emo depths of his fat eyes.

It was obvious that his sexist views meant he refused to cook, and the lack of female presence meant an influx of fat emo takeaways.

As we walked (Charlie rolled) out of the airport, I saw another huge monstrosity, except this one was a car and not my father. It was red and not emo enough. I hated it. Yet somehow, it reminded me of myself - metal and unloved. Then The Lump, Charlie, announced it was mine. I threw a grape at him and he cried fat, non-emo tears.

Chapter Three  
I drove the "car" and The Lump rolled behind me, ruining the chance of any hot guys asking me out. That was obviously why he got fat in the first place; to ruin my life. I hated him. The world revolved around me!

I stormed up to my room, which had not been altered since my last visit, and glared out my window at some clouds which had the nerve to obscure my sleazy, Italian sun. Why couldn't it be like Italy - Italian and sleazy?

I fell asleep as it began to rain, the droplets rolling down the window like my black emo tears. The sky was crying for me and the pain I felt at owning a fat father.

I woke up and ate chocolatey emo pops for breakfast. I then threw them in the bin. They contained too much fat; I did not want to end up as a Lumpess. After I had regurgitated my breakfast, looking as emo as possible, I decided that I would fast until the sun came out. The rain would make me rusty and drain my batteries. Only a sleazy Italian could cheer me up when I was this depressed.

I sighed, got in my car and drove to school in my blood-drenched (red, but more emo) car. I seriously doubted that there would be any sleazy Italians in school. How wrong I was.

Chapter Four  
I parked the blood-drenched rust mobile just as an acne-ridden teen with wings started to annoy me. I tried to run him over but he pranced out of the way. He was spotty and not perfect. I hated him instantly.

"Hi, I'm the acne fairy," he said, although the label on his shirt read "Eric".

"Kiss my feet or I'll give you spots!" he shouted lovingly. I couldn't risk acne so I bent down and kissed his feet. He stroked my hair and I ran away. The people at this school were strange and not perfect. I hated them.

Chapter Five  
I walked into the classroom and was immediately greeted by a strange boy with puppy dog eyes and a lolling tongue. He licked my face enthusiastically and drooled on the carpet. A girl with retardedly frizzy hair (this made her imperfect, so I hated her) said, "Down boy, down; stop licking the new girl!".

"But she smells like freesias, my favorite air freshener!"

"Mike, that's no excuse!"

Just then, a teacher walked into the room. She smelled like a more expensive brand of air freshener than me, but I was still more special. She was stupid and annoying, and I hated her.

I spent the lesson compiling a list of why I was better than everyone else in the room. I continued this activity for the rest of morning lessons.

Chapter Six  
It was lunchtime, but I was fasting. I had somehow ended up sitting with imbecilic retards. All of a sudden, the cafeteria was lit up with light radiating from my new proverbial sun. Yes, it was my heart's desire; not one sleazy Italian, but FIVE. As I started to hyperventilate, I cried internal happy emo tears and I felt complete.

I nudged the annoying girl beside me and exclaimed, "look, fit people!"

As I watched, Mike bounded up to the sleaziest, smexiest Italianist hot person and licked his face whilst simultaneously dropping a large pink Frisbee at his feet. I could sense that I had competition for this sleazy Italian. The Italian picked up the Frisbee and threw it out of the window. Mike followed, his dog collar jangling. The sleazy Italian hot guy did not look at me again, and I cried black emo tears because he didn't instantly love and worship me. _He will pay,_ I thought to myself.

Chapter Seven  
As I dithered in front of a cleverly placed fan at the front of the biology classroom, I realised that the only available seat was next to sleazy Italian hot guy. I shook my hair in a crazed attempt to catch his attention, and it worked. He looked up at me in a wondering fashion which could have also possibly been disgust. I hope it was wondering. He will pay if it wasn't.

I ran enthusiastically towards him but fell over on the way. My nose leaked some oil. As I took my seat, my batteries began to overheat.

"That rhymed!" I exclaimed robotically. The Italian frowned as he had not heard my fantastical rhyming thoughts. I began to write emo poetry.

My name is Bella,  
I have no fella,  
I'm a whiny brat,  
And my father is fat,  
I worship the sun,  
And I want to have emo fun, (with sleazy Italians)  
My car is drenched in blood,  
And my eyes are the colour of mud,  
I like to self harm,  
Up and down my arm.

I marvelled at my emo-ness as an ambulance pulled up outside school. I noticed with shock that the hot sleazy Italian was convulsing on the floor, foaming at the mouth and complaining about cheap freesia air freshener. As two paramedics rushed in, I glared at all the attention he was receiving. At least he was nearly dead. I promised myself he would pay. I was always right. Because I was special.

Chapter Eight  
I followed the stretcher out of the classroom as that was where all the attention was. No one stopped me because this school is stupid and retarded and not perfect and I hate it.

Then I walked over to my car whilst trying to look attractive. I decided to skip last lesson because even though I didn't know what it was, I hated it. I stood by my car, pouting and looking emo-ly attractive.

Suddenly, I saw Charlie rolling down the hill towards me, noodles flying everywhere. I cried a petrified emo scream - he was going to squash me! How dare he. I hated him. He crushed me. My legs were pinned against the car and the rest of me was squashed against the pavement. My internal emo soul was dying. I cried black emo tears at the thought of all the hot, sleazy Italians I would never meet.

All of a sudden, the pressure lifted. Light scorched my retinas, painful after the crushing blackness. Was I dead? Yes, this must be emo heaven; the sleazy Italian was saving me! He was still frothing at the mouth from his earlier emo spaz attack as he lifted The Lump off me. I was drenched in his foam. I would never wash again. Once hot Italian guy had entirely removed The Lump, he slapped my bum in an Italian fashion, told me his name was Edward, gave me evils and ran off.

I was in love.

Chapter Nine  
They insisted on taking me to hospital. I whined all the way there. Seriously, I had only broken my spine. The Lump had apparently been trying to see the headteacher, because already the school couldn't handle my emo-ness. He had also been eating a Chinese takeaway, which explained the noodles which now coated my body along with Italian foam. I sprayed some more air freshener to mask the smell, despite my broken spine.

Unfortunately, this caused my beloved Italian foam to dissolve and I broke down into a flood of black emo tears. I realised that I had cried so many black emo tears that my mascara had all ran off. I was now crying clear, fat tears which I must have inherited from my terrifyingly obese father.

I pulled out my emergency supply and immediately started to apply five tubes of mascara. Good, I felt more emo already.

I contemplated asking if my father was okay, then I remembered that I hated him. It was hard, hating so many people.

Upon discovering that I had also broken a nail, I stormed out of my hospital bed and promptly collapsed due to my broken spine. I used my elbows to crawl to where I could sense Edward's presence. My spine healed instantly as soon as I saw his foot. He was chatting up a nurse, in a sleazy Italian fashion. I gave her the evils and she died on the spot. I then started trying to be simultaneously emo and attractive so he would love me.

He gave me the evils, spanked me, and ran out of the room. I was so in love, I leaked a few emo tears.

Chapter Ten  
I spent the whole weekend lying on my bed, staring emo-ly at the ceiling because I hate everyone and have no friends. I was still fasting in protest at the lack of sun.

**FIN** (For now...)

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Woah, sorry if that was too... weird. That was as far as we got, before we all fell asleep, dreaming of emo tears. I think we included that in like, every paragraph.

Also, in case you were confused about Bella's jammed switch, her overheated batteries and her oil leakage, she's a _robot_. I'm sure the title gives it away. Sorry again if this makes no sense... AGAIN, not serious! JUST FOR FUN. I can't stress this enough!

xD Uh... prize to anyone who can guess how many times "emo" was mentioned in the story? *Prepares for flamers*


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**: So, after like ten years, here are the next eight chapters of Twilight: The Black Emo Tears of A Robot. Thanks to all who have reviewed, good and bad. xP

**Disclaimer**: Gosh, does it LOOK like we own Twilight? Never. The characters and the plot of the novels in all their crapness do not belong to us.

Please do not take any of the content seriously.

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Without further ado . . .

**Twilight: The Black Emo Tears of A Robot**

_Chapter Ten_  
_I spent the whole weekend lying on my bed staring emo-ly at the ceiling because I hate everyone and have no friends. I was still fasting in protest at the lack of sun._

I drifted in and out of sleep. My dreams were filled with Edward and his awesome Italian skills at emo-pizza making. In my dreams, he cried black emo tears which transformed into amazing pizzas. However, this dream turned into a nightmare as I was forced to eat all of the pizzas so as not to offend his emo sleazy Italian ancestors. I was turning into a Lumpess, and I could feel my internal happy emo soul dying for the second time in two days. Soon, I would have no internal happy emo soul left to die dramatically.

I heard an Italian-sounding thump which awoke me from my slumbering emo thoughts. It was coming from my father's room and was followed by a squeaky wheeze. I did the emo robot dance into my father's room as I thought he was playing Italian techno music. I hated him slightly less but he was still fatter than humanly possible. My father was asleep, but the owner of the sleazy Italian hand protruding from the Lump's flab was quite obviously awake.

Edward was encompassed in my father's fatty fat! I bravely rescued him from my father's dangerous flab and we did a silent joyous Italian robot emo techno dance to the sound of my father's snoring. He gave me a slice of Italian sleazy pizza, which I ate because I was in the presence of my proverbial sun, so therefore not fasting. He tucked me back into bed, whilst murmuring something about climbing into the wrong room, and something about why couldn't people put their door labels on their windows? I woke up the following morning wondering whether the pizza had been made from his incredibly smexy emo tears.

I felt full and fat, although it was a joyous fat because it was Italian.

Chapter Eleven

However, during the following month, I was rarely joyous. My happy emo soul had been devoured by my sad emo soul and my proverbial sun was ignoring me.

The first time I saw him after Charlie's flab attack (which my internal emo soul was horrified to consider could have possibly been a dream), he glared at me in an evil emo fashion and ignored the only attempt at civility I have ever made in my life. I have written an account of the soul destroying encounter in rhyming verse. IT IS DEFINITELY NOT A POEM.

_"Hello Edward",_

_I said to you,_

_You looked at me,_

_Like I was poo,_

_You looked at me'_

_Without meeting my gaze,_

_Now I'm stuck,_

_In this emotional maze,_

_I'm miserable now,_

_You won't talk to me,_

_You're going to pay'_

_'Cuz I'm (proverbial) royalty._

Chapter 12

The girl's choice spring dance was imminent (six months away), and yet still no one had fallen for my emo-ly charms and asked me. I hate them all anyway.

Tonight, the girl with retardedly frizzy hair (whom I hate) called me and asked me if she could kidnap puppydog boy and take him to the dance. I was simultaneously offended that she thought I cared about this lower-class mongrel, and infuriated that she was attempting to steal one of my loyal band of followers (headcount approximation: 1.2)

I said she could ask him to the dance, whilst conveying via my psychic emo thoughts that it was unacceptable and she will pay. It didn't work, obviously because her retardedly frizzy hair deflected my super-intelligent emo brainwaves. I hate her. She will pay. A lot.

Chapter 13

The next day at school, I saw Mike the Puppy. I immediately directed my sleazy Italian-like emo charms at him, but they didn't work. It was obviously because he is too canine and not Italian or emo enough. I kicked him until he asked me to the dance, then stylishly said no.

At break, I saw retarded-frizzy-hair-girl (whom I hate) in the toilets. She started to tell me about her plans to lure dog-boy to the dance with her, which involved using a rabbit, after-eight flavoured dog biscuits and a very large tennis ball. However, I was not interested in her stupid, emo-lacking plan, so I punched her and stole the dog biscuits. I spent the rest of the morning throwing them out of the (second floor) window and watching dog-boy jump after them.

Chapter Fourteen

At lunch, I decided to stand on my table and do the emo-robot-techno-dance to attract the emo Italian bum-spanking attention of a certain emo Italian bum-spanker.

However, because of the elevated nature of my current position, I could see more of the imperfect and retarded population of my school (whom I hate). I was distracted by the sight of Mike the Puppy licking FHG's (frizzy hair girl's) face wound from where I had punched her. My internal emo soul cried at the mongrel's unfaithfulness, until I remembered that I hated him. Still, no one else was allowed to be in an emoly happy relationship but me. My rage was slightly softened by the fact that FHG's skull appeared to be broken. I could hear her whining about it. Gosh, I thought, _I_ broke my spine, and I didn't whine half so much. Mind you, I probably made up for it the rest of the time, like when I broke my nail. It wasn't _my_ fault. _I_ didn't jam my switch on whiny.

I marvelled at the super-emo strength of my metal fist. I was glad her skull was broken. I still hate them both. They will pay.

As I was standing on the table, about to start dancing, inspiration punched me in the face like an Italian emo boxer. I decided to sing an emo love ballad that was definitely not set to the tune of a cheesy pop song:

_Eddie-weddie I looooove you,_

_I stick to you like superglue,_

_Eddie-weddie, let's run away,_

_I want you even if you're gay._

_When I slit my wrists,_

_I think of you,_

_Eddie baby,_

_I want you I do!_

_Eddie-weddie, kiss me quick,_

_I want a ride on your disco stick,_

_Eddie-weddie I want your babies,_

_Even though you might have rabies._

_(in the style of 'Push It')_

_Oh Eddie baby,_

_Oh Eddie baby,_

_Der de der-der der-der de-der-de-der_

For the last verse, I broke into the joyous sleazy Italian emo robot techno dance to emphasize my emo Italian charms.

I looked around, awaiting my applause, but realized the cafeteria was empty. No one appreciates my emo talents. I hate them. A lot. They will pay.

Chapter Fifteen

When I walked into biology that afternoon, my heart broke and my internal emo soul died because my proverbial sun was not there. How dare he not be there when I had applied an extra 20 tubes of mascara on top of my usual 15 tubes? He will pay. But I still love him. I decided to write an emotastical acrostic poem about my feelings:

_Seeing you is so_

_Erotic that I_

_Leap with joy and want to have emo_

_Fun_

_However,_

_As you are not here, I use a_

_Razor blade to hack at_

_My arm._

Then I stormed out of the school and happy-slapped everyone I saw on the way. After accidentally on purpose happy-slapping the acne fairy, I realised that he was a potential candidate to join my loyal band of followers (approximate headcount: 1.2. Still.)

I immediately put on my emoly attractive Italian charms but they didn't work. It is obviously because he is too spotty and not emo or Italian enough. I stole his "wand" and refused to give it back until he asked me to the dance. Of course, I stylishly said no.

I karate-chopped my way into a random vehicle which dared to look more emo than my blood-drenched car. I hijacked it before proceeding to run over several students who threw themselves in my path in a bid to worship me- I think. Later that day, I received a slobbery phone call from mike the puppy, asking me if I wanted to play non-emo scrabble. Despite my awesome emo scrabble skills, I rejected him due to his earlier unfaithfulness with FHG. He then asked me if I would like to go to the beach instead. I consented only after he promised that everyone attending would wear emo kilts and emo stilettos (and nothing else) whilst emo-ly dancing and praising my emo-ness. However, they were not allowed to do the emo sleazy Italian robot techno dance, as it was sacred to me and my emo Edward, who definitely did not hate my robotic emo guts. The date was set for two weeks time.

Chapter 16

Over the next two weeks, I binged on chocolaty emo pops then threw them up in a bulimic fashion because Edward had abandoned me. I hadn't seen my beloved stalker in what felt like centuries, so my internal happy emo soul had been completely devoured by my sad one. On the day of our excursion to the beach, I donned an emo veil, which conveyed my emo soul death sadness. It matched my emo swimsuit, which consisted of three small black triangles. The triangles were of the scalene variety and non-conformist like myself.

When I arrived at the beach, true to Mike the puppy's word, everyone was in emo clothing (which had obviously been bought from my favourite shop, Emos'R'Us). However, as well as the emo kilts, they had dared to wear t-shirts. I hate them all more than usual. I forced those of the male gender to strip to their kilts, then ran away to flirt with the scantily clad locals.

I hated most of the locals, although slightly less than the idiots from my school; they were fit.

One local in particular gained my special attention. He had a strange, rabbity charm and seemed to have an odd obsession with my ovaries. I used my psychic emo intuition to tell that he had secret information relating to my proverbial sun. I proceeded to emo-sluttily snog him for half an hour until he told me everything.

I tapped the toe of my shoe on the floor whilst he regained his breath, as he had turned quite purple from oxygen deprivation during our emo snogging, face eating fest.

"So you want to know the truth about the Cullens?" the boy asked. I realised I didn't know his name. I decided to call him Flopsy.

"Sure I do Flopsy" I replied, batting my emo eyelashes at him in an emo Italian way.

"My name isn't Flopsy. It's Jacob."

"Whatever Flopsy," I replied whilst robotically slapping his left face cheek (definitely not his bum cheek…). "Spill the gossip. And get your name changed. OR YOU WILL PAY!"

Flopsy then waffled on about vampires, werewolves and a load of other crap whilst I stroked his ears. So Edward was a vampire, was he? I felt my internal happy emo soul begin to grow back. Vampires were emo and so was I; we were evidently meant to be together. I would confront him about it when we next met.

For now though, I had to let Flopsy down gently(ish) and stop him salivating whilst he stared at my ovaries.

"Your ovaries are more attractive than carrots." he told me.

I acknowledged this with a swift emo-kick to the groin, followed by a robot-metal punch to the head. Unfortunately, this did not have the same effect as it did on FHG, so I ran away before he could ask for my phone number.

I decided to write a robotic haiku about my time with Flopsy:

_Flopsy, I snogged you, _

_in a fit emo fashion,_

_Then I kicked your groin._

Haikus are very emotastical and robotic. They were invented by an emo robot. Or maybe it was the Japanese…

Chapter 17

The next day in school, I jumped for joyous emo joy. Edward's car was in the car park. I stroked the car for a full tem minutes. At first, I thought it was purring and someone was playing joyous cheesy emo reunion music. Then I realised the car was still running and someone was pressing the horn. I skipped off in a dreamy, dream-like dream.

Chapter 18

I thought that I would have to wait until the afternoon in biology to see my proverbial sun. However, at lunchtime, our eyes locked across the crowded cafeteria and he beckoned to me in an Italian stalker fashion. As I walked towards him, drawn like a piece of metal to his huge erect magnet, I realised he was not sitting with his family; he was alone at a table set for two.

I took the only remaining seat and one Italian waiter tucked my chair in whilst another served me spaghetti and pizza. Edward had arranged a miniature Italian feast for us; although I noticed he was eating nothing.

I started to nom the pizza at a fast emo rate.

'Are you enjoying that?' Edward smouldered emoly at me across the table. 'It's made of my black emo tears' he added in a sultry whisper.

My metaphorical metal heart (engine) began to overheat and my internal happy emo soul ate itself with happiness. I had now done something with Eddie-weddie that Mike the puppy hadn't; he had only licked his face, whereas I had metaphorically licked the emo tears from his face (what I had done was much more emo).

As the bell for afternoon lessons rang, I realised I had spent all of lunch drooling over Edward.

I stood up to depart for biology, but realised Eddie-weddie was not following me.

'I'm ditching afternoon lessons' he sexily whispered, his eyes doing an emo-smoulder thing.

In an attempt to hide my obsession, I stalked off to biology, not forgetting to shake my hips alluringly to catch his gaze. It failed and I sobbed robotically whilst falling over and smashing my nose. Edward pointed and laughed. He will pay. I still love him, but he will pay.

Upon arriving at biology, I hesitated for a moment in front of the fan, preparing to do my mad hair shake, but then I realised Eddie wasn't there, so it would be pointless, but I did it anyway.

Mr Banner entered the room brandishing a large axe and excitedly proclaimed that we would be extracting blood samples whilst he was chopping off the acne fairy's little finger. He then collected a blood sample. My internal panicky emo soul started to panic- I could not let them take a blood sample or they would discover I was full of oil, not blood.

I screamed 'I won't do it' and dived out of the third floor window into Edward's waiting arms. He bundled me into his car and we sped off at top speed. I vaguely wondered if he was kidnapping (robonapping?) me, as I leaked some emo flavoured oil.

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Thanks for reading. =P I'll update as soon as have more content. xP It's been a year since we started this, hoorah!


	3. Chapter 3

Yay! Sorry this isn't very long . . .

I wanted to say thanks for the support, and all the reviews. They are our prime incentive for continuing this!

Also, we have started to add some random references, just for the fun and the lolz. See if you can guess where the quotes are from! xP

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Chapter 19  
Edward drove me home in his moist and sticky car that was like an Italian emo cake. When we arrived, I got out and ate the wing mirror. It tasted like Edward's emo Italian pizza.

I walked into my house, and by amazing emo coincidence, the phone started to ring. I picked it up and waited for the other person to speak first, in my aloof emo fashion. It was FHG, who exclaimed, "Oh what an ass I have been" (1), before demanding in a retarded and imperfect fashion that I go shopping with her the next day.

My emo thoughts told her that this was unacceptable, but she took my silence for consent. I had forgotten about her frizzy, emo-thought reflecting hair. I made a mental note to punch her for this outrage the next day.

I stormed up to my bedroom and spent the entire night emo-ly self-harming because nobody understood me (except for my sexy Italian), despite the fact that Charlie shouted up to me demanding that I cook him food. _He_ spent the entire night sitting on the stairs crying about his hunger, before ordering ten take-aways, delivered by non-Italian people, who were stupid and retarded and I hated them.

Chapter 20  
The next day, FHG picked me up in her non-emo car, which was lacking both emo- and Italian-ness, so I insisted she paint it a more emo colour (black) before I got in. She protested that she had no black paint, so I made her drive to the store (which had sold out of black paint) and buy a hundred pots of black nail varnish and paint it with them.

When we finally arrived at the shops, Jessica dragged me to the nearest chemist and headed straight to the condom section. We spent the next hour and a half comparing the merits of the different varieties. She eventually made her selection and asked if I needed any. I said that my boyfriend/stalker was an undead vampire, so I would not need any. A voice that sounded a lot like Obi-Wan Kenobi (see Star Wars) echoed in my head. It said, "That's what you think… BOOKFOURYOUGETPREGNANTLOL".

I biffed myself in the head, and the voice died, along with a large segment of my brain.

I asked FHG who she needed the condoms for. She replied that they were for when she seduced Mike the Puppy at the prom, which was still five months away. I immediately emo-face-punched her for trying to steal my minion. She collapsed to the floor in selfish agony, attracting the attention of the security guard, who obviously was not liked by the Acne Fairy. As the spot-ridden security guard reached for his walkie-talkie to contact the police, I summoned my internal emo powers and jumped out of the shop through the roof (in the style of the Matrix films), and proceeded to sprint away, pursued by a squad of police cars.

All of a sudden, a moist and sticky Italian car raced around the corner and shot missiles at the other cars, which blew up. It then ran over the police officers who had been chasing me on foot. The car stopped by me and I saw my emo Italian leaning over to open the door for me to get in. We drove off into the emo, blood drenched sunset…

Chapter 21  
We only drove a short distance before Eddie-weddie parked on top of a large flabby hill.

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(**1**) - Dr Watson, _The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes_, p136 (the reigate squires), Penguin books

Again, sorry for the shortness! But we have written more, so hopefully I should get that updated very soon, within the next few weeks, once the stress of exams are over. =D

Thanks, and goodbye. *bow*


	4. Chapter 4

. . . Yaaaaay._

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_

Chapter 21

_We only drove a short distance before Eddie-weddie parked on top of a large flabby hill._

He began insanely switching his car headlights on and off. I was concerned that he was having an emo spazz attack, so I biffed him in the face. It felt quite satisfying, so I repeated the action whilst honking the horn in time to the hokey kokey. When I became bored of this action and ceased it, he gazed lovingly into my decrepit emo eyes.

His emo Italian brain waves told me that he was attempting to convey a message to me in Morse code. I sneezed in recognition (it made a 'foo' noise), and seized a pen and paper in order to decode his message. My first attempt at deciphering his message was 'you're my friend, that's what you are! Jake- don't!' (1 actual New Moon quote! P272). However, I concluded that this must be erroneous, or Eddie-weddie was having an affair with Jake (aka Flopsy), and had given me the wrong message. I read it aloud anyway, and Eddie farted guiltily.

'No!' he screamed, 'you're wrong, bitch'.

He spanked me on the face and began to flash me a new message.

'Oh!' I exclaimed emoly, 'you wanted to tell me you are a sparklepire. Wait… I thought you were a vampire?'

'No, I'm a sparklepire! Watch me turn into a disco ball!'

Edward turned on the sun machine in his car, and his head promptly exploded, and in its place was a large disco ball with eyes, a nose and a mouth.

We raved until Edward's internal car sun died (at which point his head returned to normal), then sat in silence and listened to the strange whimpering noises coming from the flab hill we were parked on. I climbed out of the sunroof (I was too emo for doors), and peered down at the flabby flab face beneath the moistmobile (this was my new nickname for Edward's cakey car), and realised that it was the face of my father staring back at me.

I looked down at the top of Edward's head and instructed him to drive me home whilst still dangling dangerously out of the sunroof.

As we left, Charlie flailed his stumpy legs and arms to attract the attention of a passing crane to transport him home.

I lowered myself back into the car and said to Edward 'Shouldn't we slow down?'

He gazed at me in a loving emo fashion, replied 'no', and then accidentally crashed into a tree. I flew through the sunroof with great posture and timing, acknowledging pain as I rebounded off one of Charlie's fleet of cranes, which was heading towards us.

I hit the pavement, yelled 'iz ded', and died.

Chapter 22

I was awakened from my dead state by emo Italian humming. Upon perceiving that I was alive, Edward threw me through my bedroom window with a resounding tinkle as glass shattered emoly around me. I had somehow been magically transported home during the time I had been dead. Edward frolicked up the wall and pirouetted into my bedroom behind me.

I turned to Edward and murmured 'I love you.'

'I love you more,' he replied.

'I want to cover you in rose petals and teddy bears.'

'I want to rub my pizza rolls all over you.'

'I'm going to cook my heart with bacon and chives and serve it to you on a plate and serve it to you on a Starbucks platter.'

Edward's eyes smouldered at the idea.

Suddenly, I felt a drain on my Matrix powers just as Charlie erupted through the floorboards. How dare he attempt to imitate my awesome Matrix skills!

'Hai guis' Charlie screamed in an overexcited fashion.

Edward blew him up. I lol'ed. And praised his emo powers.

'You know it's only temporary' Edward smouldered at me. 'He will reform in the morning.'

As he uttered these words, he began to sit down and make himself comfortable in my emo coffin chair.

I enquired in an emo g-star fashion whether he would be leaving soon, as I needed to get my usual five minutes' sleep, before waking up to apply 500 tubes of mascara before going to school.

'Well, I sit here every other night like an obsessive abusive emo Italian stalker,' he replied.

'Then that is perfectly okay and I don't find it the least bit strange,' I told him whilst getting into the cardboard box with which I had replaced my bed (I had sold my bed in order to buy tubes of emo mascara).

Chapter 23

I awoke to find Edward's face looming less than an inch from my own.

'I've been watching you all night' he growled at me in a definitely non-stalkerish manner.

He then shoved me in a sack, which he threw over his shoulder. As he leapt out of my window, he informed me that he was kidnapping (robonapping?) me to meet his family.

After twenty minutes of running, halfway through which he had to stop to regain his breath, we arrived at what appeared to be a large circus tent.

I experienced a moment of horror.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' I exclaimed, 'Eddie, you can't live here, it's a trampy, tacky, non-emo tent!'

'Yeah, I know, it's like amazing and stuff right?' Edward said in an amazingly camp voice, ignoring my cries of horror. 'Let's go and meet my posse!'

He dragged me inside and introduced me to a group of amazingly emo Italians, who were definitely not freaks.

Firstly, there was Carlisle, the alcoholic gay clown drug dealer, who was their leader. He explained to me that they were all part of the amazing Cullen sparklepire circus, which explained the circus tent. Then there was Chesney, a "female" sparklepire who was married to Carlisle and sported a very fetching Italian beard. There were two more couples of sparklepires; Rosalie and Emmet and Alice and Jasper. Rosalie was a slut and Emmet was a bear, whilst Jasper was a friendly emo (like Casper the friendly ghost) and Alice was an infantile freak who liked to play with Barbie voodoo dolls.

After they had introduced themselves, they magically disappeared, and in their place appeared a ginormous piano. Edward began to bang his head against the keys to create a tune, whilst rapping an emo love ballad to me;

_You smell like spray that freshens the air,  
__You have an emo fringe and emo hair,  
__You are seventeen; I'm a hundred and seven,  
__I'm not going to bite you 'cause you won't go to heaven._

_I'm an emo sparklepire, it is true,  
__And I really, really love you,  
__Check out my awesome skills,  
__Like emo pizza making, and making kills (of animals)._

I burst into applause, and fainted at his amazing emo Italian-ness.

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(1) Like OMG, an actual New Moon quote! p.272

And . . . we have one more chapter to go before this super-speshul magnificently powerful tale draws to it's conclusion. =( Yus, we have finished it!

(As a side note, so sorry for not uploading anything else . . . kinda given up on Pokemon xP But when I get time, when exams are over and shizz I shall try and continue with other fandoms =))

-*Starrycup665*-


	5. Chapter 5

This is it. =( But this is longer than the previous chapter, to make up for the sadness that is the story ending. Ohnoes. T_T

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_I burst into applause, and fainted at his amazing emo Italian-ness._

*A/N*

During the next section of this absolutely riveting narrative, all that happens is Bella and Edward make out. A lot. Therefore, it is believed to be in the interest of the reader to miss out this part.

Chapter 1,000.000,001

Edward and I were sitting comfortably on top of the extremely fluffy Emmet in his circus tent. Alice was sitting on the floor in front of us, enacting a violent scene with her Barbie voodoo dolls. Suddenly, Edward seized me convulsively in an obsessive, abusive manner.

'Bella,' he screamed like a baby, 'Alice has just predicted the future with her Barbies! Oh the horror! I can't bear to watch!'

I told him to take a chill pill and stop having a spaz. He was starting to foam at the mouth again.

'No, it's really serious Bella,' he replied, 'a rival emo circus wants to kidnap you and use you as their main attraction!'

'Oh the horror!' I exclaimed with the sarcasm of a sarcastic cat.

'You don't understand. They want you to be a one-night-only attraction.'

'Still not getting why this is a disaster...'

'It is a disaster because the performance is killing you.'

I leapt onto Eddie's lap in terror. 'Why would anyone do such a thing?' I asked, whilst weeping fat emo tears.

'Because the death of a whiny, annoying brat is a big seller; it would be sold out with all the people who hate you.'

Chapter 1,000,000,002

A few days later, I received a phone call. I picked up the phone in my usual emo stylish fashion and waited for the other person to speak first.

A fake Italian voice boomed down the phone. 'Ah-y have-a some-a tickets for-a magnificento circus for-a you-a. And-a they-a are-a free!'

'Well', I replied, 'I really should be avoiding circuses at the moment, considering the death threat, but your amazing fake Italian accent has convinced me! When does it start?'

'In-a five-a minutes!' the voice responded.

'Well then, I'll be right over!'

Chapter 1,000,000,003

I immediately sprinted out of the house and jumped into the emotastic rustmobile. I punched the words 'fake emo Italian circus' into my drug-fuelled sat-nave. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that I did not possess a sat-nav, and I had just screwed up my radio.

I abandoned the rustmobile at some traffic lights and karate-chopped my way into the hippie bus behind. I simultaneously threw the passengers out of the window, confiscated all the marijuana aboard, disinfected the seats, told the driver to take me to the nearest fake emo Italian circus, told him that crack was bad for his health and sat down expectantly.

'Ah, oui, oui,' said the high French hippie driver whilst swerving all over the road. Out of the corner of my emo eye, I spotted the entire Cullen family precariously balanced in an upside down human pyramid on top of a hot pink electric scooter accelerating in a desperate bid to catch the hippie bus. The pyramid wobbled and Jasper fell off, unfortunately damaging his fluffy, permed hair which had been crystallised only that morning. I ignored their frantic Italian warning cries. They were jealous of my emo circus invite and not perfect and I hated them. Except for Edward, whom I loved.

All of a sudden, I noticed that we had crashed into the emo fake Italian circus which, fortunately, was made of reinforced concrete due to the high proportion of dangerous bus driving hippies in the area. Unfortunately, there was now one less hippie for my obese father to worry about. The driver was not perfect and I hated him anyway, so his death did not provoke any of my whiny selfish robotic emo-motions. I catapulted my loose change into his crippled dead face and entered the circus.

Chapter 1,000,000,004

I was greeted rather flamboyantly by the fake Italian circus owner who declared his name was Jameso. He said he would show me to my "special" seat, which turned out to be in a cage in the centre of the ring. As I had entered the concrete tent, I saw a poster advertising the main event tonight as 'the death of a whiny annoying brat'. I wondered briefly who it would be. Hopefully FHG.

As I took my seat, Jameso walked into the ring with a megaphone.

'Ladies and gentlemen,' he warbled, 'I have travelled across five states carrying this concrete circus tent and ensnared this whiny, annoying brat, all for you to be entertained tonight by her death.'

Suddenly I was blinded by light as my cage was illuminated by a spotlight. As my vision recovered, I could see the entire front row (aka Charlie) cheering and clapping.

All of a sudden, Eddie fell through the roof. He immediately started to have a handbag fight with Jameso whilst demanding I be released. I watched them biff each other for a while, then their girlish Italian (and fake Italian) screams began to irritate me.

'Stop!' I whined. 'There's only one way to settle this!'

'Dance off!' screamed the over excited audience. Actually, it was only Charlie, who had eaten the entire popcorn stand and had now expanded to fill the entire stands.

The sound of the classic Italian hit 'We're all in this together' from the emo blockbuster 'High School Musical' began to play through the speakers.

'I'm going first, bitch.' declared Eddie, and began to do the emo Italian techno robot dance. It was awesome and epic and amazing and I began to cry emo tears at the emo beauty of it.

'Beat that!' Edward yelled in a superior and emo tone as more Cullens fell through the roof. Their motorbike must have exploded and catapulted them at the circus.

Jameso began to dance to an irritatingly cheerful song from the Nutcracker ballet. I was unimpressed by his perfectly performed pirouettes, adages, releves, chasses and fouettes, but the audience member seemed to like them better than my Eddie's dance. How could this be? Was The Lump blind? He was stupid and retarded and not perfect and I hated him.

Unfortunately, the provocative ballet dance seemed to have attracted Eddie, who began to whisper suggestive noises in Jameso's ear.

I experienced a flash of intense emo Italian rage and jealousy. 'Hey, what about me?', I complained. Edward reluctantly stopped molesting Jameso and shot him with his emo death gun. Jameso died.

'Now I win by default!' declared Eddie. I felt a feeling of prideful pride that he had won, which was quickly replaced by horror as I saw Charlie the Lump lumbering towards me.

'Don't worry Bella,' he wheezed, 'I'll get you out the cage.' He then sat on the cage. Immediate emo painful pain exploded through my body as I was slowly crushed and blacked out.

Chapter 1,000,000,005

I gradually returned to consciousness in a hospital bed. I knew Edward's miraculous Italian healing powers had been blocked by Charlie's flab, as I was in a full body cast. I cried some ugly, fat, clear, non-emo tears as I realised I could no longer reach my many tubes of emotastical mascara.

Horrified at the thought of being normal, I began screaming for a nurse until one floated into view. I was about to continue with a torrent of verbal abuse when I realised that the face framed by flowing, ginger hair and a nurse hat was in fact the beautifully sculpted face of my proverbial sun.

"Edward? Why are you dressed as a nurse? Are you a drag queen?" I asked, using my eyebrows to convey the confusion that my body could not.

"No reason," responded Edward, whipping the wig off faster than Charlie could inhale five servings of duck pancakes with egg fried rice.

Speaking of Charlie, the Lump itself had gotten wedged in the ward's doorframe. From what I could hear, he was begging for mercy Big Macs.

"Remove him," I ordered, glowering in his direction, "he is an obese imperfection in my life and I hate him. He shall never be forgiven." Eddie made a couple of impressive hand signals and a group of topless doctors began smothering the Lump in butter and attempting to ease him out.

Meanwhile, my hunky man in drag approached my bed again.

"You've been unconscious for six months. The prom is tomorrow. I get the feeling you're not going to be able to go"

"WTF YOU STUPID NOOB, OF COURSE I'M GOING TO PROM!" I screeched in my melodic emo voice. Edward caressed my bandaged face lovingly and agreed with everything I had ever said.

Chapter 1,000,000,006

At last tomorrow arrived. Six topless doctors agreed to carry me onto the dance floor whilst singing the YMCA to attract as much attention as possible as I was so super-special.

They propped me up using various household items including some Cilit Bang and a bottle of Ciff. Edward decided to lift me up in a bodybuilding fashion and spin me round his head enthusiastically to make up for the fact that I had lost all use of my limbs.

My favourite song, the emo Macarena started to play, and me and Edward did the wrist slitting actions with much joviality.

Suddenly, Jacob hopped into view and asked Edward if it would be acceptable to molest me.

'Sure,' he replied, and Jacob dragged me into the bushes. After a twenty minute lecture on the dangers of lettuce if consumed orally with carrots, he finished by saying;

'Oh, and by the way, Edward wants to nom you for breakfast and shizz.' I robo punched him in the face out of anger.

'Nice punch,' Edward commented from behind a conveniently placed tree, from behind which he had been stalking me the entire time. Together, we skipped joyously back into the hall. As we entered, appropriate angry German music began to play.

'How romantic,' I squeaked emoly. Edward grabbed me and abused me until I agreed to dance with him.

We free-styled to the centre of the floor and did the joyous sleazy Italian emo robot nudist ascending rebellious loose lively warm grumpy nonunified unrewarded unnarcissistic curly thankful provocative bitter spicy embarrassed witty jarring Scottish huge criminal defeated spontaneous technical creepy benign fraudulent wrecked long orgulous sexy uneven bitter rangy wooden slow swift delicious gentle droning increasing energetic curling feathered unstoppable horizontal compressive dirty bumpy selfish confusing Hawaiian engrained unhygienic feline determinist nice fiery strong repetitive sold sad unmovable faithful sexist helpful scary silly metempsychic intelligent tart masochistic lazy noisy striped dreamy proud hot differentiable edited faint cardio-vascular slimy archeological aimless helpless nonevasive short numerous ingenious unlikely loud murderous teeny-tiny jolly fluffy buttocked pubescent upended sweet zealous dusty chilly unmissable empty ambitious boiling broodier fun freezing stimulating elliptical benevolent regal creepy semimonthly projecting fat neon likable cuddly small colourful broken unstained lonely siliceous fresh maladaptive prickly cleanable crispy jealous wet twisted sincere incandescent insectivorous little uptight heavy glacial mammoth lost nutritious quiet puny sharp substantial quick depressing cool antispasmodic worried salty gigantic florescent deafening resounding melodic eager dull postesophageal fugal scrobiculate frizzliest big circular filthy teeny great fat infrared abundant rude brave few nice unsloughed victorious queasy miniature adhesive crinkly bendy forensic low free microscopic fluffy yeti-like early shimmering juicy light sleepy broken hissing sticky brief contradictory thoughtless colossal chocolaty unpeeled lazy scheming tiny tartan nonacid tall resistible metallic long massive clumsy unexpounded pustular happy preworthy mild large Chinese persuasive ludicrous sumo icy creative old-fashioned dry petite tanned pernicious translucent scrawny destructive creamy ancient fast wet mysterious hellbent addictive obedient whispering factual unwhirled rainy multi-dimensional cheesy obnoxious unexultant kind subdenticulated late honorific hydrogenous magical secure non-traditional quadruplication powerful slow incomprehensible penetrant loose yummy dreary painful young repulsive raspy coffee-scented random sparse intermittent wet zany unsmiling arriving voluptuous smelly unsponsored fierce angry agreeable kind voiceless petiolate breeze rotten greasy grinding hard bewildered thundering poisonous calm cold sightlier non-redemptive overcontentious impossible unnameable nocturnal open old unusable floral happy bespectacled full insulting cooing fourpenny castellated spotty unsatisfiable tasteless poignant panicky featherless round flaky crooked soft damaged myopic alphanumerical mushy unvaried challenging electric feral little neurotic unpaid makeshift banned brittle conditioned clubfooted whipping pointy weak dangerous brushy carbonated pantonal damp immense leather unpropagable hippie unenforced corrugated rural many purring nervous hot alpha modern pleasant heavy self-serving melted shier nonstriking unscabrous familiar cloudy causal overjealous undulating backwards delightful frizzy messy screeching relieved telekinetic short rapid itchy nostalgic purple reticular killer techno dance mit pretzel, _as the crappy sun set on the crappy day in crappy Forks at the end of this crappy story._

**THE END**

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** . . . yay, review? =D**

(A/N: Just want to say thank you to all the reviewers, we had not expected that amount of support tbh xP YOU GUYS ROCK. Oh, and we will be extremely surprised if anyone actually read that last paragraph, drowning with adjectives, which we totally spent a lot of time compiling.)

So, we hope you somewhat enjoyed this parody that accurately reflects the style of the real author of the real novel that shall not be named. Farewell friends, and until next time (and there shall be a next time),

-*Starrycup665*-

xxx


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